How to Support Someone on Anniversaries and Hard Dates

Birthdays, death anniversaries, Christmas, Matariki, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day — these dates are hard for people living with grief. They do not need to be fixed or made better. But they do need to be acknowledged. This guide is for anyone who wants to support a grieving person through a hard date but is not sure what to do or say.

Why hard dates matter so much

Significant dates carry a particular weight in grief because they are tied to rituals and expectations — they are days that used to involve the person who died. A birthday that used to mean a phone call, a celebration, a shared meal. An anniversary that was once marked together. Christmas that was built around their presence.

On these dates, the absence is visible and specific. The world around them may be celebrating or carrying on as normal, which can make the grief feel even more isolating. Many grieving people dread the lead-up to a significant date more than the day itself — the anticipation and the knowing it is coming can be its own kind of weight.

Knowing that someone else remembers — that the person who died still matters to others — can make a real difference on these days.

The single most important thing you can do

Reach out. Send a message. Make contact. You do not need to say anything profound or perfect — you just need to let the grieving person know you are thinking of them, and that you remember.

Many grieving people say that what hurts most on hard dates is not the grief itself, but the silence from others. The world carries on. The messages stop. People assume they are okay, or they feel awkward, or they simply forget. When you reach out, you break that silence. That matters enormously.

What to say on a hard date

Simple, specific, and gentle. You do not need to avoid the day or the name of the person who died — naming them is often what the grieving person most needs to hear.

• “I know today is a hard one. I’m thinking of you and [name].”
• “I remember [name] today. I hope today is kind to you.”
• “No need to reply. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you both.”
• “I know this is [name]’s birthday. I’m holding you in my thoughts.”
• “I’m thinking about what today must feel like for you. I’m here if you need anything.”
• “[Name] would have been [age] today. I’m thinking about them — and about you.”

Saying “no need to reply” is a small but important detail. It removes the burden of having to respond, which can feel enormous on a hard day. The grieving person can simply receive the message and know you are there.

What to offer

Some grieving people want company on hard dates. Others want solitude. Some want to mark the day in a specific way; others want to get through it as quietly as possible. The most useful thing you can do is ask, and then respect the answer without judgment.

• “Would it help to have company today, or would you rather be alone?”
• “I could come over, or I’m happy to just check in by message — whatever you need.”
• “Can I bring you dinner tonight?”
• “Would you like to go for a walk and talk about [name], or would you rather do something that gets your mind off it for a bit?”

Do not assume the person wants to mark the day with a particular kind of gathering or ceremony. Some people find gatherings comforting; others find them exhausting or overwhelming. Let the grieving person lead.

How to remember the person who died

If you knew the person who died, say their name. Share a memory if you have one. Ask how they are being remembered. These small acts tell the grieving person that the person they loved has not been forgotten by the people around them — that they still exist in the world beyond the grieving person’s own private memory.

Some examples of ways to acknowledge the person who died:

• “I still think about [name] often. I remember how [specific thing].”
• “Is there anything you’d like to do to mark [name]’s birthday?”
• “How are you thinking of spending the day?”
• “Is there something specific you miss about this time of year with them?”

What not to do

Even well-meaning actions can miss the mark on hard dates. A few things to avoid:

• Do not stay silent because you are not sure what to say. Silence on a hard date can feel like being forgotten. Something simple is always better than nothing.
• Do not suggest they should be feeling better by now. Grief does not have a timeline, and hard dates can bring it back with full force even years later.
• Do not plan a big gathering without checking first. Some people want to be surrounded by people; others find it overwhelming.
• Do not try to distract them away from the grief if they want to feel it. Being busy is not always helpful. Sometimes sitting with the grief is what is needed.
• Do not avoid the person’s name out of fear of causing pain. Saying the name is almost always more comforting than avoiding it.

Dates that are often forgotten

Most people remember the anniversary of the death and perhaps the first Christmas. But there are other hard dates that are easy to overlook, and where a message means just as much:

• The person’s birthday
• The birthday of the grieving person — the first birthday without the person they lost can be harder than expected
• Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
• Matariki — a time of reflection and remembrance in te ao Māori
• Valentine’s Day, if the person lost a partner
• Significant milestones — a graduation, a new baby, a wedding — that the person who died will not be present for

In the days after a hard date

The day after a hard date can feel strangely flat or deeply depleted. The weight of getting through it can leave a person exhausted. Checking in the day after — “How are you feeling today? Yesterday sounded like a lot” — shows you are still thinking of them even once the day has passed.

Supporting Māori whānau through hard dates

In te ao Māori, death and remembrance are woven into everyday life in ways that may look different from Pākehā traditions. Matariki — the Māori New Year — is a time of remembrance for those who have died, as well as celebration and renewal. If you are supporting a Māori whānau member, follow their lead about how they wish to mark significant dates. Tangi traditions and ongoing connections to the tüpuna may shape how they grieve and remember.

This article is intended as general support and information only. It is not a replacement for professional advice, counselling, or urgent help. If you feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or at risk, please contact emergency services or a crisis support service immediately.