If you or someone else is in danger, call 111. Need to talk? Call or text 1737 — free, 24/7.

Supporting Others

How to Support a Grieving Friend

Practical, caring ways to be there for a friend who is grieving — from the first days through the months that follow.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support in New Zealand, call or text 1737.

The most important thing you can do

Show up. Not once, not perfectly — just consistently. Grief is not a short-term event and the people living through it need long-term support. Most people find that friends and family disappear after the first couple of weeks. Being the person who does not disappear is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Showing up imperfectly is far better than not showing up at all.

In the first days and weeks

Bring food

A meal, a grocery drop, a coffee. The logistics of feeding yourself become overwhelming when you are grieving. Be specific and do not ask — just do it.

Help with practical tasks

Offer to help with calls, paperwork, school pick-ups, laundry, or whatever specific task feels too much. Ask what would help today.

Sit with them

Sometimes presence is what is needed. Come over, sit quietly, watch something together, or just be in the same room.

Text without expectation

“Thinking of you today — no need to reply.” This removes the burden of response while making them feel remembered.

Go for a walk together

Movement and fresh air help regulate the nervous system. Side by side can make it easier to talk than face to face.

Help with children or pets

Offering to take the children to school or walk the dog for an afternoon can be an enormous relief.

In the months after

Keep checking in. Send a message weeks or months after the death. Remember the first birthday, the first Christmas, the anniversary. Say the name of the person who died. Ask how they are being remembered, not just how your friend is “doing.”

Grief does not follow a timeline. Your friend may seem fine for a while and then fall apart again. This is normal. Be patient, and keep showing up.

What to say

Say the name. Say “I’m so sorry.” Say “I remember them.” Be specific with offers of help. Do not try to fix the grief. Do not say “at least…” or “everything happens for a reason.” Read our full guide: What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone through grief is emotionally tiring. You may be grieving too. Talk to someone. Rest. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and your job is not to fix anyone’s grief — it is just to stay present.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111.
Free 24/7 support: call or text 1737 — Lifeline: 0800 543 354

← Back to all grief guides