The most important thing you can do

Show up. Not once, not perfectly — just consistently. Grief is not a short-term event and the people living through it need long-term support. Most people find that friends and family disappear after the first couple of weeks. Being the person who does not disappear is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Showing up imperfectly is far better than not showing up at all.

In the first days and weeks

What to say — and what to avoid

You do not need the perfect words. Simple and genuine is far better than elaborate and wrong. Some phrases that tend to help:

• “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”
• “I’ve been thinking about you and [name].”
• “I remember [name]. Tell me something about them.”
• “I’m going to drop dinner off on Wednesday — is 6pm okay?”
• “No need to reply — I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”

Phrases that tend to hurt, even when meant kindly: “At least they had a long life,” “everything happens for a reason,” “they’re in a better place,” “let me know if you need anything.” See our full guide on what not to say for more on why these phrases land badly and what to say instead.

How to listen

When your friend wants to talk, your job is not to fix anything. It is to listen. You do not need to have answers, offer perspective, or redirect them toward hope. Just listen. Sit with the weight of what they are saying. Let there be silence. Let there be tears.

Some questions that invite them to share without pressure:

• “What do you miss most about them?”
• “How are you doing today — really?”
• “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
• “Tell me about them.”

In the months after

Keep checking in. Send a message weeks or months after the death. Remember the first birthday, the first Christmas, the anniversary. Say the name of the person who died. Many people receive an outpouring of support in the first two weeks and then find themselves entirely alone with the grief six weeks later — when the worst of it is often still very much present.

The most meaningful support you can offer long-term:

• Say the person’s name. Share memories when you have them. Let your friend know the person they lost has not been forgotten by you.
• Check in on hard dates — birthdays, the death anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s or Father’s Day. A simple “I’m thinking of you and [name] today” is enough.
• Invite them to things, even if you expect they will say no. The invitation itself shows you have not stopped thinking of them.
• Be patient with grief that does not progress on a timeline. There is no point at which someone should be over it.

Cultural awareness — supporting Māori whānau

In te ao Māori, grief and loss are understood within a framework of whānau, community, and ongoing connection to tüpuna (ancestors). The tangi — the Māori funeral process — is a communal, multi-day gathering that is central to Māori bereavement. If you are supporting a Māori friend or whānau member, follow their lead about how they want support expressed. Participating in tangi, if invited, is one of the most meaningful ways you can show up.

More broadly, grief looks different across cultures, families, and individuals. What one person finds comforting another may not. Always follow the grieving person’s lead rather than assuming what they need.

When to encourage professional support

There is no shame in suggesting counselling or professional support — and doing so is not giving up on a friend or suggesting their grief is abnormal. It is acknowledging that grief can sometimes benefit from more than friendship can offer.

You might say: “I’ve been thinking — would it help to talk to someone? I know The Grief Centre has counsellors who specialise in exactly this, and it’s free to call them.”

Encourage gently, and more than once if needed. Some people need to hear the idea a few times before it feels like the right moment to act on it.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone through grief is emotionally tiring. You may be grieving too. The weight of being present for someone in pain, over a long period of time, takes a toll. Talk to someone. Rest. Be honest with yourself about what you have capacity for. Your job is not to fix your friend’s grief — it is just to stay present, imperfectly, over time.

If supporting your friend is affecting your own mental health, your GP, a counsellor, or 1737 are all available to you.

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