If you are in immediate danger, call 111. Free 24/7 support: call or text 1737.

Grief Support NZ — Free Guide

Supporting a Grieving Child

Age-appropriate guidance for talking to tamariki about death and loss — and how to help them through it.

You do not need to have the perfect words. Children do not need us to have all the answers — they need us to be present, honest, and available. Showing up is enough.

How children grieve

Children grieve differently from adults. Their grief is often not linear — they can be deeply distressed one moment, and playing happily the next. This is not a sign that they did not care. It is how children protect themselves from overwhelming feelings, and it is healthy.

Children may not have the words for what they are feeling. They may express grief through behaviour — becoming clingy or withdrawn, acting out, regressing to younger behaviour, having nightmares, or losing interest in things they used to enjoy.

A child who is playing is not a child who is not grieving. Play is how children process the world.

Children also revisit grief at different life stages. A child who lost a parent at five may grieve again at ten, at fifteen, and at their own wedding. This is normal — not a sign that they did not grieve properly the first time.

Talking honestly about death

It can be tempting to protect children from the reality of death by using softer language — saying someone “passed away,” “went to sleep,” or “is in a better place.” While these phrases come from a place of love, they can confuse young children and make it harder for them to understand and process what has happened.

Use clear, honest language

Use the words died and death. Explain that when someone dies, their body stops working completely and they cannot come back. Keep the explanation simple and honest, suited to the child’s age and understanding.

You might say: “Grandma died. That means her body stopped working and she won’t be coming back. It is okay to feel sad about that. I feel sad too.”

Answer questions honestly

Children often ask very direct questions about death — what happens to the body, will you die too, did it hurt. Answer honestly and simply. It is okay to say “I don’t know” for questions you cannot answer. It is okay to cry in front of them. Seeing adults grieve teaches children that grief is a normal, safe response to loss.

Tell them before they hear it elsewhere

If at all possible, tell children about a death before they hear it from another source. Hearing it from a trusted adult — even in a painful moment — is far better than overhearing it, or being told by another child at school.

What to expect by age group

Under 5

May not fully understand that death is permanent. May ask when the person is coming back. Need simple, repeated explanations, reassurance that they are safe and loved, and maintenance of routine. Absorb the emotional state of the adults around them.

Ages 5–8

Beginning to understand that death is permanent. May have magical thinking — believing they caused the death by something they said or did. Important to reassure them clearly: the death was not their fault. May ask lots of questions about what happens after death.

Ages 9–12

Understand death more fully. May try to appear strong or protect adults from their feelings. May feel angry, embarrassed, or different from peers. Benefit from having their feelings acknowledged and from opportunities to talk when they are ready.

Teenagers

May grieve intensely but privately. May turn to peers rather than adults. May act out, withdraw, or seem unaffected. Give them space while making it clear you are available. Avoid pressuring them to talk. Check in gently and consistently. Be alert to signs of depression or substance use.

What actually helps

Say the person’s name

Talk about the person who died. Share memories. This tells children it is safe to remember them and talk about them.

Maintain routine

Predictable routines provide safety and stability during an uncertain time. School, mealtimes, bedtimes — keep these as normal as possible.

Let them be children

Playing, laughing, and being silly are not signs of disrespect. Children need to play. It is healthy and necessary.

Involve them where appropriate

Allow children to be part of farewell rituals if they want to be — viewing the body, attending the tangi or funeral, placing something in the casket. Ask, don’t decide for them.

Create memory rituals

A memory box, a special photograph, a plant in the garden, a tradition on their birthday. Small rituals help children hold on to the person they loved.

Check in regularly

Not always a sit-down conversation — asking “how are you doing today?” on a walk or in the car can open doors that a formal discussion closes.

Tell their school

Let teachers and school counsellors know what has happened. A good school can provide quiet support without putting a child on the spot.

Look after yourself too

Children are deeply affected by the emotional state of the adults around them. Getting your own support is one of the best things you can do for a grieving child.

Signs a child may need extra support

Most children will move through grief with the support of caring adults. But some children need extra help. Consider speaking to your GP or a specialist if you notice:

Prolonged withdrawal

Persistent isolation from family and friends over many weeks.

Declining school performance

Significant drops in concentration, attendance, or grades that persist over time.

Persistent sleep problems

Ongoing nightmares, fear of sleeping, or significant changes in sleep patterns.

Talk of wanting to die

Any expression of wanting to die or join the person who died should be taken seriously and addressed immediately.

Extreme behaviour changes

Aggression, self-harm, substance use, or significant personality changes.

Support for children and whānau in New Zealand

Specialist support:

Skylight — grief support for children & young people — 0800 299 100 → Youthline — 0800 376 633 or text 234 → The Grief Centre — 0800 331 333 → Full Grief Support NZ resources page →

If a child is in immediate danger, call 111.
Free 24/7 counselling: call or text 1737.
Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text 234

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