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Grief Support NZ — Free Guide

What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Words and approaches that genuinely help — and what to avoid — from those who know.

You cannot fix grief, and you are not expected to. What the people around you actually need is for you to stay present. Showing up imperfectly is far better than not showing up at all.

You do not need the perfect words

Most people pull away from someone who is grieving because they do not know what to say. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing, of making it worse, of being awkward. But silence and absence are almost always harder on the grieving person than an imperfect presence.

The truth is that there are no perfect words. There is nothing you can say that will take away the pain. And the people you are supporting usually know this — they are not expecting you to fix anything. They need you to be there.

Saying “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is one of the most honest and helpful things you can offer.

What to say

Words that help

“I’m so sorry. I’m here with you.”

“I remember [name]. Can I tell you something I loved about them?”

“Would you like me to bring dinner on Tuesday?”

“You don’t have to reply. I’m thinking of you.”

“I don’t know what to say, but I don’t want you to go through this alone.”

“Tell me about them.”

“I’m going to check in on you on Thursday. I’ll bring food.”

“I remember them too.”

What tends not to help

“At least they had a good life.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“They’re in a better place.”

“I know how you feel — when my [person] died…”

“You need to stay strong for the kids.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

“You should be over it by now.”

Say their name

One of the most important things you can do is say the name of the person who died. Many grieving people are afraid that those around them have already forgotten — or are trying to move on. Saying the name tells them it is safe to remember. It tells them the person mattered to you too.

Ask questions and then listen

“What was she like?” “What do you miss most about him?” “What are you finding hardest right now?” Simple, open questions that invite someone to talk about the person they loved, or about what they are experiencing. Then listen — without trying to offer solutions, silver linings, or reassurances. Just listen.

What tends not to help

“At least…”

Sentences that begin with “at least” are almost always minimising, even when they are intended to comfort. “At least they lived a long life.” “At least they are not suffering anymore.” These phrases redirect the grieving person away from their loss, rather than sitting with them in it.

Comparing grief

Do not tell someone about your own loss in response to theirs, unless they ask. In the early days, their grief needs to be the focus of the conversation. There will be a time for sharing your own experiences — but the immediate aftermath of a death is not usually it.

Vague offers

“Let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned but rarely helpful. Grieving people often cannot identify what they need, and asking for help can feel like an enormous effort. Be specific: “I’m going to drop off dinner on Wednesday. Is 6pm okay?”

Practical help that actually helps

Bring food

A meal, a grocery drop, a coffee. The logistics of feeding yourself and your whānau become overwhelming during grief.

Help with practical tasks

Offer to help with calls, paperwork, school pick-ups, laundry, or whatever specific task feels like too much right now.

Sit with them

Sometimes presence is what is needed. Come over, sit quietly, watch something together, or just be in the same room.

Text without expectation

“Thinking of you today — no need to reply.” This removes the burden of response while making the person feel remembered.

Go for a walk with them

Movement and fresh air help. Being side by side can make it easier to talk than sitting face-to-face.

Help with children or pets

Offering to take the children to school, walk the dog, or handle childcare even for an afternoon can be an enormous relief.

Showing up over time

One of the most common experiences of grief is that support is intense in the first days, and then disappears after the funeral. But grief does not end with the service. The weeks and months that follow are often the hardest — and the loneliest.

Keep checking in

A text, a call, a meal offer — weeks or months after the death. This means more than you know.

Remember anniversaries

The first birthday, the first Christmas, the anniversary of the death. A simple “I’m thinking of you today” on these dates is a profound act of care.

Don’t stop saying the name

Months on, still mention the person. Still ask how they are being remembered. Still bring them into conversation.

Follow their lead

Some days they will want to talk about their person. Other days they want to talk about something else entirely. Follow their lead.

Looking after yourself too

Supporting someone through grief can be emotionally exhausting. You may be grieving too. You may feel helpless, sad, or unsure if you are doing enough. This is a natural response to being close to someone in pain.

Please look after yourself as well. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. Set limits on what you can give — you cannot pour from an empty cup. And remember: you do not need to carry anyone else’s grief. Your job is to stay present, not to fix anything.