Grief After Losing a Parent

Losing a parent is one of the most significant losses a person can experience. It doesn’t matter whether you were close to them, estranged from them, or somewhere in between — grief after the death of a parent can be profound, disorienting, and deeply personal.

There is no right way to feel. You may find yourself cycling through sadness, relief, anger, guilt, and numbness — sometimes within the same day. All of these responses are valid.

Why losing a parent can feel so big

A parent — whether or not the relationship was straightforward — is one of the most foundational people in our lives. Their death often marks a significant shift in how we understand ourselves and our place in the world.

Some people describe it as a kind of re-ordering. Suddenly you may feel more aware of your own mortality. You may notice the absence of someone who remembered you as a child, who held stories about your early life, who was part of your history in a way no one else quite is.

Even if you were expecting the death — perhaps after a long illness — the reality of it can still catch you completely off guard.

What grief after losing a parent can feel like

Grief is different for everyone. Some people experience grief after losing a parent as:

• Waves of emotion that come and go without warning
• Physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, or difficulty sleeping
• A sense of being lost or unmoored, even in familiar surroundings
• Guilt — particularly around things left unsaid, or the nature of the relationship
• Relief — especially if there was suffering involved — which can then bring its own guilt
• Anger that may not always have a clear target
• Unexpected moments of joy in remembering them, which can feel strange or disloyal

It can help to know that all of these responses are a normal part of grief. There is no feeling that means you are doing it wrong.

When the relationship was complicated

Not everyone has a close or uncomplicated relationship with a parent. If your relationship was difficult, distant, or painful, grief can be particularly complex. You may find yourself grieving not just the person, but the relationship you wished you had had, or the hope of reconciliation that is now gone.

This kind of grief is real and deserves to be acknowledged. You do not need to pretend to feel more sadness than you do, or feel guilty for feeling less. Your experience is your own.

Being the child who remains

When a parent dies, there is sometimes a shift in family dynamics — roles change, responsibilities may fall to different people, and siblings can grieve in very different ways. Some people find that grief brings whānau closer together. Others find it surfaces old tensions.

It can help to be patient with yourself and with others in this time. Everyone in your family will be carrying their own version of this loss.

Some things that may help

• Allow yourself to grieve without a timeline. There is no point at which you are expected to be over it.
• Talk to someone you trust — a friend, a family member, or a counsellor.
• If practical tasks feel overwhelming, ask for help. You do not have to manage everything alone.
• Look after your body — sleep, eat something, get outside when you can.
• Let yourself remember. Looking at photos, telling stories, or marking special dates can all be part of grieving in a healthy way.
• Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel — including the moments that don’t feel like grief.

Finding support after losing a parent

You do not have to grieve alone. Support is available across New Zealand.

• 1737 — call or text free, 24/7, to talk with a trained counsellor
• The Grief Centre — 0800 331 333
• Skylight — 0800 299 100
• Grief Support NZ resources — regional services across Aotearoa

This article is intended as general support and information only. It is not a replacement for professional advice, counselling, or urgent help. If you feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or at risk, please contact emergency services or a crisis support service immediately.