You do not need the right words

Most people pull away from someone who is grieving because they do not know what to say. But silence and absence almost always hurt more than an imperfect presence. Nothing you say will fix the grief. The people around you who are grieving do not expect you to fix anything. They need to know you have not disappeared.

Saying “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is one of the most honest and helpful things you can offer.

What to say — and what to avoid

Say their name

Saying the name of the person who died tells the grieving person it is safe to remember. It tells them the person mattered to you too. Many bereaved people say the thing they fear most is that others will forget.

Offer specific help

“Let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned but rarely helpful. Be specific: “I’m going to drop off dinner on Wednesday — is 6pm okay?” Or: “I’m going to the supermarket. Can I grab anything for you?”

Keep showing up after the funeral

Support tends to flood in the first week and then stop. But grief does not end after the funeral. The weeks and months that follow are often the loneliest. A text weeks later means more than you know. Remember anniversaries, birthdays, and the date of death. A simple “I’m thinking of you today” on these dates is a genuine act of care.

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