You do not need to have the right words

Most people pull away from someone who is grieving because they do not know what to say. They are scared of saying the wrong thing, or making it worse. But silence and absence almost always hurt more than an imperfect presence.

The truth is there are no perfect words. Nothing you say will fix the grief or take the pain away. The people around you who are grieving do not expect you to fix anything. They need to know you have not disappeared.

Saying “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is one of the most honest and helpful things you can offer.

What to say — and what to avoid

Say their name

One of the most meaningful things you can do is say the name of the person who died. Many grieving people are afraid that those around them have already forgotten, or are trying to move on. Saying the name tells them it is safe to remember. It tells them the person mattered to you too.

Offer specific help

“Let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned but rarely helpful. Grieving people often cannot identify what they need, and asking for help can feel enormous. Be specific: “I’m going to drop off dinner on Wednesday. Is 6pm okay?” Or: “I’m going to the supermarket — can I grab anything for you?”

Keep showing up after the funeral

Support tends to flood in the first week and then stop. But grief does not end after the funeral. The weeks and months that follow are often the loneliest. A text, a call, a meal offer weeks later means more than you know.

Remember anniversaries, birthdays, and the date of death. A simple “I’m thinking of you today” on these dates is a genuine act of care.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone through grief can be emotionally tiring. You may be grieving too. Please look after yourself. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. You cannot pour from an empty cup — and your job is not to fix anyone’s grief. It is just to stay present.

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