If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support in New Zealand, call or text 1737.
Talking to children about death is one of the hardest things a parent or caregiver can do. But children are more capable of understanding than we often give them credit for — and honest, gentle conversations help them feel safe and included. You do not need to have all the answers. You just need to be present and honest.
Children who are included in grief are better equipped to carry it.
Use clear, honest language
Use the words died and death. Avoid phrases like “passed away,” “gone to sleep,” or “we lost them” — these can confuse younger children. You might say: “Grandad died. That means his body stopped working and he won’t be coming back. It’s okay to feel sad about that. I feel sad too.”
Answer questions honestly
Children often ask very direct questions — what happens to the body, will you die too, did it hurt. Answer simply and honestly. It is okay to say “I don’t know.” It is okay to cry in front of them. Seeing adults grieve teaches children that grief is a normal, safe response to loss.
What to expect by age
- Under 5: May not understand death is permanent. Need simple repeated explanations, physical comfort, and maintained routines.
- Ages 5–8: Beginning to understand death is permanent. May worry they caused the death. Reassure them clearly: it was not their fault.
- Ages 9–12: Understand death more fully. May try to appear strong or protect adults. Acknowledge their feelings without forcing them to talk.
- Teenagers: May grieve intensely but privately. Give them space while staying available. Be alert to signs of depression or withdrawal.
What children need most
- Honest, age-appropriate information
- Permission to ask questions and feel their feelings
- Normal routines maintained where possible
- To say the name of the person who died
- Space to play and be children — this is healthy, not disrespectful
- Adults who are not pretending everything is fine
When to get extra support
Talk to your GP, school counsellor, or Skylight (0800 299 100) if your child shows signs of prolonged withdrawal, declining school performance, ongoing sleep problems, or says anything about wanting to die or join the person who died. Read more: Supporting a Grieving Child.
Related guides: Supporting a Grieving Child | Grief After a Death | Browse all guides
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. Free 24/7 support: call or text 1737. Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text 234.
Disclaimer: General information only. Does not replace professional counselling or mental health support.