Things I Wish People Understood About Grief

Grief is not what most people expect it to be. Here are some things that are hard to explain to people who have not been through it — written in the hope that it might help someone feel less alone in what they are carrying, or help someone else understand what the people they love are going through.

Grief can come in waves

It is not a steady downward slope followed by a neat upward climb. Grief comes in waves — sometimes enormous and unpredictable, sometimes smaller. A song, a smell, a particular quality of afternoon light, a Tuesday in the supermarket can bring it rushing back with full force. The waves do not mean something has gone wrong. They are grief doing what grief does. Over time, for most people, they become less frequent — but they do not stop entirely. That is not failure. That is love.

People may look okay and not be okay

Functioning — going to work, answering messages, making dinner, laughing at something — does not mean someone is okay. Grief gets carried quietly in many people. The social expectation to appear normal means many grieving people become very good at presenting a version of themselves that masks how much they are actually struggling. If someone who is grieving tells you they are struggling, believe them, even if they look composed.

The second month can be harder than the first

In the first days and weeks there is often a flurry of activity, company, and support. Then it stops. The world resumes. And the loss is still fully present — but now it is being carried more alone, without the scaffolding of early support. Many people find the weeks and months after the funeral among the hardest. Checking in at six weeks, at three months, at six months is often more meaningful than the messages sent in the first week.

There is no timeline

There is no point at which someone is expected to be over it. Grief does not disappear — it changes shape. For some people it becomes something they carry alongside their life. Being patient with someone who is still grieving months or years later is not indulging them. It is understanding how grief actually works.

Grief is physical as well as emotional

Grief lives in the body. Exhaustion that is not solved by sleep. A heaviness in the chest. Appetite that disappears or goes haywire. Difficulty concentrating — not laziness, but genuine cognitive impairment from the stress of loss. These physical symptoms are real and common. The body grieves too. It is worth mentioning persistent physical symptoms to a GP, and worth knowing that grief is a legitimate reason to seek medical support.

Grief and depression are not the same thing

They can look similar, and grief can sometimes lead into depression. But grief is a response to a specific loss — it tends to come in waves rather than as a constant state, and it often includes moments of connection, memory, and love alongside the pain. If you are not sure whether what you are experiencing is grief, depression, or both, talking to a GP is a good starting point. You do not have to have a diagnosis to reach out for support.

Grief can make ordinary things feel impossible

Replying to a message. Making a phone call. Deciding what to eat. Reading something that requires concentration. These things can become genuinely difficult in acute grief. It is not self-pity. It is the cognitive and emotional cost of carrying a loss — the bandwidth that grief consumes leaves less of everything else. If you are supporting a grieving person and they seem to be struggling with things that appear small, this is why.

Grief at work is real, and it is hard

New Zealand law provides bereavement leave, but grief extends far beyond those days. Returning to a workplace where the expectation is normal function can be exhausting and isolating. Many people describe performing okay-ness at work while falling apart at home. If you are an employer or manager, being flexible and not expecting immediate return to full performance is one of the most valuable things you can do. If your workplace has an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP), make sure the person knows it is available.

Saying the person’s name is not reminding them of pain

One of the most common misunderstandings is that mentioning the person who died will cause pain — as though the grieving person might have momentarily forgotten. They have not forgotten. They think about the person constantly. What they often desperately want is for someone else to say the name, to share a memory, to show that the person who died is still remembered by others. Silence is usually far harder than the name.

Asking for help in grief is very hard

Grief drains the very resources that asking for help requires: clarity about what you need, energy to make a request, and confidence that it will be received well. Many people in grief do not ask for help even when they desperately need it. If you are waiting to be asked before you offer, you may be waiting for something that will not come. Offer specifically, offer repeatedly, and keep showing up.

This article is intended as general support and information only. It is not a replacement for professional advice, counselling, or urgent help. If you feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or at risk, please contact emergency services or a crisis support service immediately.