If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support, call or text 1737.
One of the simplest and most powerful things you can do for someone who is grieving is say the name of the person who died. Many people avoid it, afraid of causing pain. But for the person grieving, hearing that name said out loud — by someone else, casually and warmly — can be a profound relief.
Why saying someone’s name matters
Grieving people often carry a quiet fear that the person they loved will be forgotten. When friends and whānau stop saying the name, stop telling stories, stop asking about them — it can feel like an erasure. Saying the name tells the grieving person it is safe to remember, and that the person mattered to others too.
How to share memories
You do not need a formal occasion. Saying “I was thinking about [name] the other day, and I remembered the time they…” is a gift. It shows the person is still being held in your thoughts. It gives the grieving person an opening to share their own memories, if they want to.
What to do if someone cries
Sit with it. You do not need to fix it. Crying is not a sign that you said the wrong thing — it is often a sign of relief at being able to express something that has been held in. Stay present. You do not need to speak.
Respecting different grief styles
Some people want to talk about the person who died constantly. Others find it very hard. Follow the lead of the grieving person. Offer the opening, then let them choose whether to walk through it.
Read more: Grief After a Death | What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving | Browse all guides
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support, call or text 1737.