If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support, call or text 1737.
Most people who want to support someone grieving are well-meaning. They want to help. But sometimes the words we reach for — the phrases that feel safe or comforting — can land badly, even when we mean well. This guide is not about blame. It is about helping you find kinder, more useful things to say.
Phrases that often hurt, even when they are meant kindly
“At least…”
“At least they had a long life.” “At least they are not suffering anymore.” “At least you have other children.” These phrases redirect someone away from their loss before they are ready to move. They can feel dismissive, as if the loss should not hurt as much as it does. The grief is real regardless of the “at least.”
Try instead: “I’m so sorry. There are no words for this.”
“Everything happens for a reason”
This is rarely helpful to someone in raw grief. It can feel like their pain is being minimised, or that someone is asking them to find a silver lining when they cannot even get out of bed.
Try instead: “I can’t imagine how hard this is. I’m here.”
“They’re in a better place”
Not everyone shares the same beliefs about what happens after death. Even those who do may not find this comforting right now. The person they loved is gone, and that is where the pain lives.
Try instead: “I remember them. They mattered.”
“I know how you feel”
Even if you have experienced a similar loss, grief is personal. Saying this can shift the focus to your own experience at a time when the grieving person needs to feel heard.
Try instead: “I can’t fully understand, but I’m here with you.”
“You need to stay strong”
Grief is not weakness. Telling someone to stay strong can make them feel like their sadness is inconvenient or wrong. It can also add pressure to perform okay-ness for others.
Try instead: “You don’t have to hold it together. I’m here.”
“Let me know if you need anything”
This is one of the most common things people say — and one of the least useful. Grieving people often cannot identify what they need, and asking for help can feel like an enormous effort. Be specific instead.
Try instead: “I’m bringing dinner on Wednesday. Is 6pm okay?”
How to listen without trying to fix things
The urge to say something comforting comes from a good place — but grief cannot be fixed with words. What most grieving people need is to feel heard, not helped. Sit with the silence if it comes. Let them cry without rushing to reassure them. Ask questions that invite them to talk about the person they loved.
Try: “Tell me about them.” Or: “What do you miss most?”
Read our full guide: What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support, call or text 1737.
Disclaimer: General information only. Does not replace professional counselling or mental health support.