If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support in New Zealand, call or text 1737.
The first Christmas, the first birthday, the first anniversary without someone — these dates arrive whether we are ready for them or not. They can bring grief rushing back in a way that feels as raw as the early days. You do not have to pretend these days are fine.
There is no right way to spend a hard date. Give yourself permission to do what you actually need.
Why special dates hit so hard
These are dates that used to involve the person who died. The absence is visible and specific. There is often social pressure to be joyful — at Christmas especially — which can make grief feel more lonely and more wrong than usual. The anticipation of these dates is often worse than the day itself.
Ideas that may help
- Plan ahead rather than hoping to just get through it. Decide in advance how you want to spend the day. Do you want company, or solitude, or a mix?
- Create a small ritual. Light a candle. Visit a place that meant something to them. Cook something they loved. Say their name.
- Change things if you need to. You do not have to spend Christmas the same way as before. It is okay to scale back, go away, or do something completely different.
- Let people know what you need. If you want company, ask for it. If you need people to acknowledge the day, tell them.
- Lower the expectations. These days do not have to be okay. They just have to be survived. One hour at a time is enough.
- Talk to someone. Call or text 1737. Call a friend. You do not have to get through hard dates in silence.
For people supporting someone on a hard date
A simple message on the day means a great deal. You do not need to say much. “I know today is a hard one. I’m thinking of you” is enough. Say the name of the person who died. The person may not reply — that is okay.
After the day passes
The day after a hard date can feel strangely flat or deeply depleted. Rest. Be gentle with yourself. The fact that you got through it matters, even if it did not feel okay.
Related guides: Grief After a Death | When Grief Feels Overwhelming | What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving | Browse all guides
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. Free 24/7 support: call or text 1737. Samaritans: 0800 726 666.
Disclaimer: General information only. Does not replace professional counselling or mental health support.