If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support in New Zealand, call or text 1737.
Supporting someone bereaved by suicide is one of the most difficult things to do well. The grief they are carrying is layered with shock, guilt, anger, unanswerable questions, and sometimes stigma. Your presence matters enormously — even when you do not know what to say.
You do not need to understand the grief to be present for it.
What the person may be going through
Suicide bereavement is different from other grief. The person you are supporting may be replaying conversations, asking themselves what they missed, carrying enormous guilt, and struggling with questions that may never be answered. They may be angry. They may feel ashamed. They may isolate themselves. None of this means you cannot help — it means your help needs to be patient, consistent, and free of judgment.
What helps
- Stay in contact. Do not pull away because you do not know what to say. A simple “I’m thinking of you” is enough.
- Say the name of the person who died. It tells the bereaved person it is safe to talk about them.
- Listen without trying to fix. Do not offer explanations, silver linings, or reasons. Just listen.
- Offer specific practical help. Meals, transport, company, help with children. Be specific.
- Do not ask probing questions about the death. If they want to share details, let them lead.
- Remember the hard dates. The anniversary, the person’s birthday, the first Christmas. Send a message.
What to avoid
- Avoid saying “I know how you feel” unless you have also lost someone to suicide
- Avoid implying the deceased was selfish or cowardly — these comments cause lasting harm
- Avoid comparing their grief to other losses
- Avoid suggesting they should be further along by now
Specialist support in New Zealand
- After a Suicide NZ — specialist support for people bereaved by suicide
- Victim Support — 0800 842 846, 24/7
- The Grief Centre — 0800 331 333
- 1737 — free, 24/7, call or text
Look after yourself too
You cannot support someone else without looking after yourself. If this is affecting your own mental health, please reach out. You are allowed to find this hard.
Related guides: Suicide Bereavement Support | What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving | Browse all guides
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. Free 24/7 support: call or text 1737.
Disclaimer: General information only. Does not replace professional counselling or mental health support.