If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. For free 24/7 support in New Zealand, call or text 1737.
Show up. Not once, not perfectly — just consistently. Most people find that friends and family disappear after the first couple of weeks. Being the person who does not disappear is one of the most powerful things you can do.
Showing up imperfectly is far better than not showing up at all.
Practical things that help
- Bring food. A meal, a grocery drop, a coffee. Be specific and just do it — do not ask.
- Help with practical tasks. Calls, paperwork, school pick-ups, laundry. Ask what would help today, then follow through.
- Sit with them. Sometimes presence is what is needed.
- Text without expectation. “Thinking of you today — no need to reply.”
- Go for a walk together. Side by side can make it easier to talk.
- Help with children or pets. Offering to take the children to school for an afternoon can be an enormous relief.
Keep showing up in the months after
Grief does not end after the funeral. Keep checking in. Send a message weeks later. Remember the first birthday, Christmas, and the anniversary of the death. Say the name of the person who died. Ask how they are being remembered, not just how your friend is coping.
What to say
Say the name. Say “I’m so sorry.” Be specific with offers of help. Avoid “at least…” and “everything happens for a reason.” Read our full guide: What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone through grief is emotionally tiring. You may be grieving too. Talk to someone. Rest. Your job is not to fix anyone’s grief — it is just to stay present.
Related guides: What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving | Grief After a Death | Browse all guides
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111. Free 24/7 support: call or text 1737. Lifeline: 0800 543 354.
Disclaimer: General information only. Does not replace professional counselling or mental health support.