What you may be feeling

Suicide bereavement brings a particular kind of grief — one that is often tangled with shock, confusion, guilt, anger, and unanswerable questions, all arriving at once. This is not unusual. Many people bereaved by suicide describe their grief as unlike any other loss they have experienced.

You may feel some or all of these things:

You are not to blame

This is worth saying clearly, because many people bereaved by suicide carry an enormous weight of self-blame: You are not responsible for another person’s death by suicide.

Suicide is the result of complex factors — mental illness, pain, circumstance, and often things that were not visible to those closest to the person. No single person, relationship, or conversation causes suicide.

You did not cause this. You could not have predicted it with certainty. You are not to blame.

This does not mean the grief is less real, or the loss is less devastating. It means that the guilt you may be feeling, while completely understandable, is not a reflection of the truth.

Getting support right now

If you have recently lost someone to suicide, please reach out for support. You do not have to manage this alone, and specialist support for suicide bereavement genuinely helps.

The weeks and months ahead

Suicide bereavement is often described as one of the most complex forms of grief. The questions, the guilt, and the stigma can make it harder to find support, and harder to talk openly about the loss.

The inquest or coronial process

In New Zealand, a death by suicide will usually be investigated by a coroner. This process can take many months or even years. Receiving the coronial report — which may include details about the death — can be a significant moment in the grief journey. You are entitled to have someone with you, and to seek support before and after receiving this information.

Talking about the cause of death

You are never obligated to tell anyone how the person died. How much you share, and with whom, is entirely your choice. Some people find honesty helps them get the right support; others prefer privacy. Both are valid. If you do choose to talk about it, you may be surprised by the compassion you receive.

Anniversaries and difficult dates

The anniversary of the death, the person’s birthday, and significant milestones can be particularly hard. Planning ahead for these dates — deciding who you want around you and what, if anything, you want to do to mark the day — can help.

Talking to the people around you

People who have not experienced suicide bereavement may not know what to say or do. They may avoid the subject, say the wrong thing, or pull away. This is usually not about you — it is about their own discomfort with a subject that many people find difficult.

It can help to give people specific guidance: tell them you need them to listen without trying to fix anything. Tell them you need them to say the person’s name. Tell them you need practical help, not just offers of “let me know.”

You are allowed to ask for exactly what you need. People who care about you will want to know how to help.

Specialist support in New Zealand

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